meltdown

having twins is hard.

and I haven't even started yet.

After writing that "I'm going to be faithful, I can DO THIS!" post yesterday I proceeded to have a complete absolute freak-out.

It went like this:

I was very hungry and Travis is sick.

So if I wanted food I knew needed to find it myself, despite being SO hungry I couldn't walk straight. (This happens to me because I am pathetic and also because wait until the last minute to feed myself.)

I found old rice in the fridge. I heated it up. I carried it out to the living room where I spilled it all over the floor.

Then I accidentally said the f word. Which I will not type on to this blog.

Then Travis looked up at me and said "Becky!"

And I lost it.

I began sobbing so hard that my body was convulsing and consequently extra painful, and resulted in harder sobbing. Which resulted in more pain.

And then frustration that I couldn't stop crying.

Which led to more and greater sobbing.

And I just laid face down on the couch and cried while Travis got the vacuum out and cleaned up the rice, and went and made me another dinner.

And I just sobbed and sobbed for 15 minutes.

Then I stumbled into the kitchen, sniffing and shaking, where my good husband - who did not know what to do - was doing the dishes (which WAS what to do).

And he said, "I don't know how to help you, I don't like for you to swear like that, and you can't swear like when we have little kids."

At which time I collapsed into even greater sobbing/convulsions than before.

And just stood crying in the kitchen until Travis led me out to the couch and and said "Lie down" and I cried for another 20 minutes while periodically yelling things like "I CAN'T HANDLE TWINS!"

Because I can't even handle myself.

Because I am not an adult. I am 21.

I can only barely buy booze. (Which, by the way, is something I don't really buy. Except when I make beer-battered fish. Which is delicious.)

And then Travis was really good and said things like, "Yes you can. You're having twins, so you can handle them. If you couldn't handle twins we wouldn't be having twins. God wouldn't give us twins if we couldn't be good parents to them."

Which I believe.

And then I came online and read all your nice comments on here and facebook and all your love, and support and felt a little better. And a little guilty for being so pathetic.

And then I talked to my family on skype, who seemed to find my meltdown super funny. (Which brought on more tears, but only a bit)

And then they showed me all the presents they bought yesterday for my babies.

And my parents helped calm me down and feel better because they're a little crazy too.

Then, after all that weeping, I fell asleep and slept for 8 hours straight.

I seriously woke up in the same position I went to bed in. My ear hurt from being pressed in the same position on the pillow.

It was the best sleep I've had in weeks.

And so today I feel awesome.

I feel overwhelmed, but mostly excited.

And I am watching the ultrasound video on repeat and making all the people at work watch it, even though they're all unmarried boys who think it's boring.

But today I'm back on the "I can handle my life" track.

Also, I went to each of my teachers and said "I am having twins, and I am overwhelmed. How can I pass this class while doing the least amount of work possible?"

Which is a brave thing to say to professors, if I do say so myself.

But they were all really supportive and awesome.

I will not get any As this year, but I will not get any Ds or Fs either. (We're probably talking all Cs. Maybe a B.)

And I feel great about that.

To be honest, I feel freaking wonderful about it. I am not going to grad school, so passing is what matters to me.

Three weeks.

In three weeks I will be done with school.

Which I pretend will make handling being pregnant with twins easier.

If anything, I will no longer have to sit for hours in the world's most uncomfortable chairs.

That, at least, is a relief.

Also, after I had a meltdown, but before I went to bed Travis and I spent about an hour watching videos of twins on Youtube.

Babies are the best.

Like these quadruplets, which you've probably all seen (I remember seeing it in high school - it's old) but it's good.

I'm so glad I'm only having two and not four.

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