On Breasts and Their Milk

Here is a picture Grey took of me nursing this week. My hair looks weird and this picture is blurry and underlit.
Why isn't my three year-old a more professional photographer? Sheesh. 

August is sick. He isn't hospital-sick (for which I am extremely grateful), but he is sick enough that I need to forcibly pin him down (with the help of 4+ other capable adults) and suction out his nose every few hours. (Why are babies so strong?)
I'm up much of the night listening to his pathetic little cough and making sure that he's still breathing, and have spent the last few days being napped and drooled on while my big kids destroy the house around me.
I don't mind, really. It's not like I'm the one who's really suffering in this.
BUT, I'm a little annoyed that people keep trying to tell me that breastfed babies don't get sick.
Because my four month old has been sick like this twice. And my big kids (who are no longer breastfed- but were for a long time) are sick pretty much once a week.
And while we're at it: they have allergies and asthma and so do I. (Also breastfed.)

People. Let's clarify something: breastmilk is great. It is nutritional. It is made for your specific baby. It has some kind of antibody-some-or-other to help your baby keep from getting sick. #breastisbest, etc.
But it's also milk. It's not medicine.
When people tell me to squirt breastmilk into my child's ear to solve an ear infection, I actually want to laugh out loud.
Science. Can I explain science to you? Those aren't ear drops and even if they were, an ear infection is on the other side of that eardrum. And even if your magical milk could penetrate the eardrum, the problem is an excess of fluid back there. Adding your milk is not going to solve this problem. Okay. Tiny Ear Infection Rant over.

But my baby is all breastfed. He has literally never had anything from a bottle, even more breast milk. I nurse him unashamedly in public, because when a baby is hungry- you feed him. And I love to talk to my kids and other adults about breastfeeding, because I like it and think people don't know a lot about it.
Yes. I'm feeding August this way because breast is best. It is healthy, natural, free of charge, conveniently located on my chest and already warmed to the right temperature.
Mostly, that's it.
When August was a newborn, I was texting with another mom about breastfeeding and how stressful and guilt-ridden it can be. She said something along the lines of, "I know Moms who breastfeed are heroes and whatever, but..."
And I actually laughed out loud when I read that text.
Come on, people.
My kids would also describe breastfeeding moms as heroes, but mostly because they think it's a super power to be able to shoot milk from your body.
They really wish I could shoot frozen milk, or milk from my hands instead of my breasts- but you gotta take what you get when it comes to super powers.
But in general, breastfeeding moms aren't heroes. They're moms who don't want to buy formula.

Sure, I know there are probably some moms out there who have tackled unconquerable odds to breastfeed and they're heroes and whatever. But we're not talking about them. We are talking about regular run-of-the-mill moms who are looking up cupcakes on Pinterest while their baby nurses.
Maybe it's blogs like this and others, maybe it's Facebook, maybe it's that darn Upworthy- but we seem to want every little thing we do to be EPIC.
I DID THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE! (36 likes.)
I ATE THIS AMAZING PASTA AT SOME RESTAURANT! (8 likes.)
THIS TEEN GOT UP ON STAGE, WHAT HE DID NEXT WILL BLOW. YOU. AWAY. (473 likes.)

Just calm down, everybody. Calm your milky tits down.
(Okay. I wanted to title this post "Calm Your Milky Tits Down" but decided it was inappropriate. But I really needed to work that charming expression into this post somewhere.)

So, breastfeeding usually looks like this to me:
My baby makes a noise that is unhappy-ish (rarely cries, because he's perfect.) I look at the clock and go, "Oh, it's been three hours since you ate. Are you hungry?" I pull up my shirt. He latches on and eats. He pulls off to watch his noisy brothers and I shout say calmly, "Go play in another room for a few minutes, you're too distracting."
My big kids leave, and I continue to nurse August while scrolling through Etsy on my phone. August falls asleep at the breast. My breast, which is extremely anxious to please and good at what it does, continues to squirt milk like a mini-firehose into August's open mouth. It runs out of his mouth and on to my clothes. I notice, but don't mind, because it's nice to sit here in the semi-silence and hold my baby and look at my phone.
Eventually, he stirs again (probably because my noisy kids have come back). He keeps eating. He finishes and sits up and burps. I do it again on the other breast.
Here are some words I would use to describe those 20 minutes:
Pleasant.
Boring.
Wet.
Snuggly.
Endorphin-y.

(I would not use the word heroic here.)

Sometimes I think I would be a kick-A lactation consultant, because I'm not a crazy-person. I nursed two extremely difficult preemie babies and I did it at the same time, so I know that nursing can be a bitch. I know it can be something you want really, really badly. I know it can be hard, frustrating, exhausting, but possible.
But I also know that sometimes it's not possible.

If I were a lactation consultant, I would never say things to women like, "In 20 years of experience, I've never met a woman who couldn't breastfeed if she really tried."
Because in 3 years of experience, I've met multiple women who tried and cried and broke their hearts trying to breastfeed and failed.
I would definitely not say, "If it hurts when you breastfeed, you're doing something wrong."
Because, news flash, when someone sucks on your tender nipples for like 8 hours a day - even if it's a tiny wee babby with a perfect latch- sometimes those nipples are going to blister, bleed, crack, and feel like exploding.
And I would never ever tell a sobbing new mom (as I was told) that her babies would get asthma, allergies, and diabetes if she stopped nursing.

In fact, I'd probably say cool stuff like, "DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. Your baby will not die if you give him formula - it's just going to be an expensive pain in the butt, but at least you can leave your baby with a sitter someday, unlike the rest of us poor saps. But if you want help and support, I got some of that for you, sister. Now calm your milky tits down."

Hey. Don't leave a comment on this post unless it's something awesome like, "You're hilarious!"
I don't really care for comments like, "Moms who are into breastfeeding are the worst!" because they're great, and I support breastfeeding and I especially support Moms.

Also, don't leave a comment like, "BREASTMILK WILL ACTUALLY SOLVE EAR INFECTIONS." because even if you leave me some facts and statistics, I'm not going to read them, and I definitely won't click on any links to anything. Unless it's a hilarious link. But not someone doing the ice bucket challenge, because stop. Just donate.

Also, if you want to read more of my posts about breastfeeding, which are all as awesome as this one, click {here.}